I’ve had depression, anxiety and social anxiety all my life. A few weeks ago, I finally made an appointment with a therapist. I have so many issues, I feel like I will be in therapy for the rest of my life (which is maybe a good thing, I don’t know). I’m not sure how much I will share here, mostly because I’m no good at writing about how I feel. I do know that I’m sick of hiding it. It’s hard enough to live with my issues every day in my own head, but when people start wondering why I keep flaking out on plans, or I get angry and lash out for no good reason, I feel like I need to say something. I’m not crazy. I’m not stupid. I have a legitimate disease that I am seeking treatment for.
Which brings me to my next topic: treatment. I will be seeing a therapist weekly for at least the next two months (I have to call today and make more appointments for June). I will also be seeing a…I’m not even sure what she is called. Social Anxiety Helper? I don’t know. But basically, she will be able to meet me where I am (home, coffee shop, park with my kids) and help me through my immediate issues. So that’s three and a half hours a week of therapy.
I will be asking for medication at my Tuesday appointment. I am not sure that I want it, but everyone in my life is telling me to go on meds. So, I will. Even though the thought of taking meds every day gives me anxiety. I have a hard time swallowing pills. I even had to switch my methotrexate from oral pills to an injection, because I was having such a hard time with the pills.
I’m terrified of side effects. I’m terrified of getting used to one med and having to switch and get used to a new one all over. I’m terrified the meds will make me worse, not better. Going on meds for other people is not a good reason to go on meds. I know this. But after my horrible panic attack the other night, and just a shitty, embarrassing weekend, I am wondering if that would be the best decision.
Please feel free to share your stories in the comments, or if you feel more comfortable, you can email me. Bethahardinger@gmail.com